What does day 5 of unemployment bring to me? Yesterday was a banger day, as my mom asked me if I have any job prospects, ouch talk about a slap in the face. Especially since I had secured a part time gig with her doing her flowerbeds, or I thought I had. Don’t get me wrong I love my mother and in some ways idolize her, but she is still my mom and I’m sure she’s kind of scared, I’m her baby, literally I am the youngest child. Imagine you put your kid through school, she has a nice secure government job, and then she just throws it all away.
Needless to say it was not what I needed to hear yesterday. After that I had to drive my niece to hockey practice, only a 2 hour drive, 4 round trip. My niece will be 16 next month and is already an accomplished hockey player, playing rep hockey, hoping to get a scholarship for hockey. For some reason I couldn’t bare to tell her that I quit my job. I felt like such a loser on that drive, just wanting to crawl into a hole and die. The drive was pretty quiet, but my niece can be quiet and plus she must be exhausted, she goes to school all day, comes home travels four hours round trip for a hockey practice, we got home around 11pm, but the night before she had a game in the same place. It makes me exhausted just thinking about it, but its her passion and it drives her, and that is really what life is about.
One plus about this trip was that I got to go to my all time favourite store Costco! Which usually makes me feel better, funny how no job sorta changes all that! I had forgotten my phone so then I got lost and couldn’t find my way back to the arena. I spent 45 minutes driving in circles on and off the expressways. Finally I went to a convenience store and everyone in that store was willing to help me, it was amazing. One customer in the store pulled out a map book and started trying to help me figure it out, then one of the cashiers used her phone and google mapped it for me, I was 9 minutes away! I want to highlight how helpful these people were and nice, helps me keep my faith in humanity.
I arrived home at night and my partner was asleep on the couch, I have been very distant and somewhat depressed the last couple of days so he picked up on it and was worried I was upset with him. It’s pretty hard for me to explain to him that I’m depressed because I got rid of my job, this wasn’t exactly an impromptu decision so in his mind he has already dealt with it, but somehow I haven’t. The last 10 months have been shrouded in depression and anxiety for me and it has been a long haul, for everyone, not just me. Now that I have actually jumped off the roof, so to speak I now feel like I’m free falling without any slats to catch me this time. I have been hiding behind a union and now its time to blossom. What the heck is my flower going to look like, will it die, will I be able to have more than one? Every time I start scolding myself, think internal dialogue “what the f did you do that for, you are never going to make it on your own, life will never be as easy as it was…..etc.” I think wait a second, life has been no picnic, and now you are in charge.
I slept for 12 hours last night, mostly because I didn’t want to get up and face the day. I woke up around noon and starting thinking once again about my mom’s comment…job prospects, why did that bother me so much? I realize because I don’t want a job, I want to make money doing things that I like doing. Hence the blog, I have been wanting to do this for a long time, what better time than now, even if I fail and no one reads it I am still putting it out there. That’s how I want to live my life, according to my own morals, be myself, let it all (ok, not all, some things should be kept private) hang out there. In the words of Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project “be Gretchen” I want to “be Shannon”and use my strengths and weaknesses to my advantage.